Hickbonics

 
    The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickbonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.

    The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

  • HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

  • HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

  • BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

  • JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

  • BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

  • MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

  • THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

  • BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

  • IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

  • RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

  • ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

  • FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

  • TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

  • TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

  • RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

  • FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

  • RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

  • FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

  • DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

  • EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

  • BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

  • JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

  • HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

  • SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

  • VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

  • GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureau Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.