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- Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
- Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
- Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
- Roman Catholics: None. Candles Only.
- Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
- Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
- Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
- Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid pathes to luminescence.
- Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
- Nazarenes: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
- Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
- Amish: What's a light bulb?
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