Deep Thoughts

These were gathered from Deep Thoughts

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something. One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory. It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks. Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone. I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed? Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.